


keep the faith for both of us

by vlaurie17



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 13:20:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18366836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlaurie17/pseuds/vlaurie17
Summary: Alec forced the question from his lips, “Is your magic really worth dying for?...Magnus?" The truth washed over Alec like poison in his bloodstream, "Answer me.”Alec could only see his face and the way it crumpled in on itself through the reflection of the glass. Magnus wouldn’t look at him.“Maybe."It hurt so much worse than the arrow to the chest had.





	keep the faith for both of us

Things were awkward between them. Alec couldn’t and wouldn’t deny it. But he could live with Magnus being irritated with him as long as it meant Magnus was alive to be irritated. 

 

Alec took extra time getting ready for bed, not wanting to face the still makeup free and ragged looking Magnus lying in his bed. Of course Alec used to love seeing magnus in his bed, but he’d already begun to miss the shiny gold sheets that reflected the sunlight in the morning and how they covered his lover’s skin with a pale yellow glow. 

 

He knew Magnus missed them too. Gold sheets. Blue magic. Even the color that used to coat Magnus’s eyelids was missing. 

 

_ “Can you honestly say you like this?” _

 

Alec closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, remembering the feeling of his heart shattering at the question posed just hours before. 

 

Even after Alec listed all the qualities he loved about Magnus with or without his magic, Alec had seen the disbelief in Magnus’s eyes. Or worse, he considered whether Magnus did believe Alec loved him, but it just didn't make a difference. 

 

Alec was starting to realize that this wasn’t an issue he was going to be able to love out of Magnus. This problem wasn’t going to be solved with just breakfast in bed and hugs. Even if that was a start. 

 

Alec had known Magnus was depressed. But it wasn’t until Alec forced that question from his lips, “Is your magic really worth dying for?” that the truth washed over Alec like poison in his bloodstream. Numb lips continued, “Magnus….answer me.” _ Stick the knife in all the way _ . 

 

For the longest second, Magnus paused, back turned towards him. Alec could only see his face and the way it crumpled in on itself through the reflection of the glass. Magnus wouldn’t look at him.

 

“Maybe.”

 

It hurt so much worse than the arrow to the chest had. 

 

Catarina’s magic had fixed that. Magic couldn’t fix this problem. Magic was the problem. And the fact that Magnus had sacrificed his magic for Alec, because God knows it wasn’t for Jace alone. 

 

The problem was that Magnus had chosen Alec above everything else, and now he had buyer’s remorse.

 

Alec wanted to throw up. Magnus regretted his decision so much he wanted to die. Magnus couldn’t look him in the eye. _ I’m just a reminder of his biggest regret _ , Alec thought miserably. 

 

“How could you even say that?” The words tasted like hypocrisy and ash in Alec’s mouth as soon as he said them. Who was he to question someone else’s suicidal ideation? Who was he to say it was selfish?

 

He closed his eyes and for a moment, he was looking down at a busy city street below, dress shoe heels hanging off the balcony ledge. He remembers closing his eyes and falling backwards into the empty air. He remembers waking up to Magnus’s face. 

 

He remembers the anger, embarrassment, and guilt coming long before the gratitude. 

 

Alec knows what regret feels like in his body, can imagine Magnus looking down at his hands, no longer sparkling with pure, vital energy, and he can see himself looking down at Jocelyn’s lifeblood. Regret. Guilt. Anger. At himself, at magnus. 

 

Alec understands the allure of emptiness. The feeling that feeling nothing may just be better than all of that pent up nausea and self loathing and roiling thoughts and darkness. 

 

Magnus had pulled him off his ledge.

 

Now it was Alec’s turn. 

 

“I can’t lose you.” Magnus was actually looking at Alec now, so he continued, “I can’t.”

 

It was selfish. Alec needed Magnus alive because he couldn’t live without him. Alec felt the truth of it, _ I can’t live without him, if he dies, I die too _ . But if it worked, it worked. 

 

 _You don’t want to go on anymore? To fight?_ _Fine_ , Alec thought, _I’ll just have to keep faith for the both of us now._

 

Alec would keep them both alive until life felt worth living again. Because it was Magnus who taught him that life always rebounded. Things always got better. 

 

Alec envisioned standing on another rooftop, when he was scrawnier, younger, more broken. There hadn’t been anyone to stop him that day on the rooftop, but he’d stepped down eventually after shooting off all of his arrows and internalized self hatred into the city sky.

 

Alec envisioned Magnus kissing his bare shoulder on the loft balcony and handing him a hot mug of coffee just the way he liked it. Black with two sugars. He used to take it without any sugar before Magnus started sneaking them in, knowing deep down, Alec had a sweet tooth.

He remembered the way it felt to have Magnus settle his chin in the crook of Alec’s neck and the way the sunlight glinted off the tops of skyscrapers. He remembered watching the clouds and knowing that every step he’d taken after that step down from the ledge as a teenager had led him here. To the arms of his soulmate. 

 

He remembered.

 

He remembered wanting to die. He remembered wanting to live again. 

 

And slowly but surely, he’d help Magnus remember too.  


End file.
